This week I have been watching my own life as if I'm peeking through my fingers, cringing in embarrassment and thinking WTF???!!!
Not good, not good at all.
I made a huge error in judgement from a mentally and emotionally vulnerable place. It's not something I'm proud of and I'll spare you the details in the blog. Now as someone who has always prided myself on my integrity, I then fell full throes into beating myself with a moral birch stick.
How could I be so stupid! Whip, whip...
Own up! Whip, whip...
Apologise! Whip, whip...
You're not sorry enough! Whip, whip...
You've ruined your reputation! Whip, whip...
You've ruined your business! Whip, whip...
No one will ever trust you again! Whip, whip...
What's wrong with you? Whip, whip...
Why can't you just do stuff without messing up?! Whip, whip...
It's a disaster! Whip, whip...
You don't fit in... Whip, whip...
You're not good enough... Whip, whip...
You get the picture.
The support I have received has been immense. I have had SO, SO many positive comments from the women in my Facebook group. I have had DM's and emails of support, messages from clients and colleagues all telling me I'm exceptional at what I do and it was an aberration.
In my defence, the vulnerable state I was in was caused by menopause symptoms hitting me like a truck. Complete brain fog, anxiety, fear, pain and my body just crumbled underneath me. It was like dropping rapidly head first down a deep dark black hole. My ability to see energy was dwindling fast, I couldn't communicate to 'spirit'. These are the things I hold most dear. I was numb and I panicked. So I took a shortcut in my business. And then punished myself excessively for it despite the fact I apologised, held my hands up and tried to make amends. I wasn't kind, understanding or forgiving to myself.
What this has shown is how much work I still have to do on my self worth, and how much pressure I felt under to 'perform'. I'm still not comfortable being vulnerable due to past emotional abuse.
Damn it. All the things that I've been working so hard with the deva of my business to stop doing!
A part of me wonders if there was an element of self-sabotage going on. Did I feel my business was going in the wrong direction in the pressure to make everything about money? Perhaps. After all, when we go online money, wealth, prosperity is everywhere! Yet we know that that is not the reality for so many. Was there a part of my subconscious drawn into that toxic game and my soul stepped in to stop me in my tracks? Quite possibly.
Was I becoming unhappy? Isn't happiness and feeling connected what my mission and business is all about, deep at its core? Working with earth energy and the more-than-human consciousness found all around is far more valuable than any amount of money. It's nectar for the soul.
And speaking of energy, this Thursday sees a New Moon Eclipse, and my personal crisis are always in time with the moon! It's a strong influence in my life and eclipses have the untimely knack of unceremoniously bumping us off the wrong track back onto the right one.
So while it might feel like the dark night of the soul, the light is coming. A new emergence of ideas and projects followed by the first shoots of growth. The cycle of the moon each month follows the same pattern of seasons as the solar year, just over a four week (ish) time span. So I have got time to breathe, work on self-forgiveness and allow what needs to happen.
What I am sure of is that my business will get back to its core purpose. To help women work with their energy, the energy in the homes and the energy of their business. I am a geomancer and energy worker. And a bloody good one.
I don't need to emulate or compare myself to anyone else. I am unique. I am a psychic and a science fan, an academic and an artist. I am a Mum and a daughter. I am strong and vulnerable. I am growing, learning, falling and rising.
I hit a bump in the road, but I haven't crashed and burned. I'm adjusting my speed and direction to follow my own winding path.