It's the hardest thing I've done mentally and emotionally. I'm tired 24/7. I'm emotional, I look for answers into why this madness persists and I lack the clarity to see them. In time I KNOW they will become apparent, but we are in that painful stage of 'becoming'. It's an intangible sense of something, but indefinable and impossible to articulate, for now.
How, I ask myself, can th legal system not recognise the further abuse that it heaps upon women and children through the family court system? Why do they not see the misogyny and narcissism in my husband's behaviour?
I have great care, support, and legal advice. This journey has created in me a strength and reliance I did not know I had. Whatever the outcome I and my children will thrive because of WHO we have become since we fled that dangerous, abusive man. But it's still hard. I have that fear and sucker punch feeling in my solar plexus whenever I get an email regarding my case. I'm looking for the lessons I still need to learn? What masks, habits and belief is this calling me to let go of?
I surrender to the process and practice faith over fear. What is happening is the darkest night of the Soul.
That means the light will follow. The seeds of the new me can germinate and begin to emerge into the world over the coming weeks and months.
The next level me, ready to embrace life in all its guises. It's one of my deepest desires to have full sovereignty of my life. So, I don't want to miss this lesson. I want to go through this ridiculously hard thing. Because I know it's ushering in a new age for my family. And it is the avoidance of hard decisions and difficult words in my past that has led me to this moment. If I had Honoured my truth Had higher standards Listened to my inner voice Not accepted anything less than the best
Understood how the beliefs I had about relationships were unhealthy
Had solid, clear boundaries
The journey would have been a very different one.
But isn't it true that some of our greatest gifts come from our greatest challenges?
The things in my life I'm most proud of were those that were hardest for me to create. They took overcoming and becoming. The reward was in the transformation.
Now I feel like a diamond, bright, sparkling, tough and beautiful. I reflect back the negative light while holding my purity.
I don't want to jump to toxic positivity (ignoring that it's hard and punishing myself for thinking it's hard).
I just want to acknowledge this experience is hard. And that's okay, that's just the way of it. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard.
This is hard, and I can do hard things.